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Monday, January 14, 2008

Ever felt like your world suddenly stop spinning and everything juz seemed wrong in a way? Well, mine have and Im feeling really weird. I kept thinking and thinking and worriying but the truth behind all this is... wad the fuck am I thinking and worried about? Realli, for the past few days, it's been like this and I couldn't sleep well n I think that I'm stress but the fact is I'm NOT stress. I'm not and I can prove it. I'm NOT stress. It's just... I don't know. I feel like crying sometimes but the tears doesn't seem to flow out and I want to scream but my voice just wants to hide. Everday, I think and think. I worry and worry but wad am I thinking? What am I wondering? Like right now, I feel uncertain while typing all this shit right now and I have no fucking reason why am I feeling this fucking way and it's frustrating for me because going through everyday life without knowing what is happening to you on the inside just kills me slowly and nevertheless, painfully... It's like the list of all my complains about this crappy shit can go on but in the end, I don't know what I'm realli talking about. It's frustrating and it's getting worse by the minute. I don't feel like dying. I don't feel like commiting suicide because it is a stupid thing to do. Why waste your life with one single slit? Why waste your life with one single jump? It's fucking unreasonable! N it sux and it just sux and I don't fucking know what to do?!? I want to talk to my friens but I know they wouldn't know what to do to help and they would probably feel bad but I don't want them to feel bad because they're not in the wrong. I know that I must solve this myself but what am I supposed to do to solve this fucking shit?? I don't even know why am I like this! How am I suppose to expect myself to solve a problem that I don't even know of? It just rips me into pieces. Maybe I'm having a meltdown and I could just collapse and die any minute but that's not it. There's just this feeling of... I don't know... It's just a feeling that lingers behind all my thoughts and as days goes by, that feeling is determine to show more of its true colors but what is its purpose?? I mean if it does shows its true colors then wad effect will it have on me?? I hate where I am right now and I hate the fact that I'm heads over heels for Bill Kaulitz. I don't want to fall in love with him because he doesn't know me and I don't know him personally. This is like soooo worse than Gerards. I only wan to adore my rockstars not fall in love with them because the chances of me meeting them are like 1:1000000000000 but I don't know why?? I see Bill, my heart just pumps like crazy and butterflys are in my stomach. Just hearing him say a word, it made me stop fuctioning. I don't want to be in this position because it's hard... It's just hard... And I don't know what the fuck to do.... Maybe I'll just wait and wait and who knows... I might figure this out but I can't help thinking... Will I be able to withstand the feeling I'm facing right now... Am I strong enough to overcome it... I don't know...

Es wird gesagt und getan
9:39 PM